ODORANTS
 

126 ways to describe taking a shit
by Al Kikuras (and various contributors)

1.Send the brown boat afloat
2.Move some surplus goods
3.Crap
4.Go to war
5.Make stinkies
6.Liquidate some assets
7.Negotiate a deal
8.Ride the brown pony
9.Pollute the ocean
10.Pottie
11.Launch a sea pickle
12.Squeeze the cheese
13.Take a dump
14.Pinch a loaf
15.Lay some cable
16.Deliver a package
17.Bomb Tokyo
18.Have a BM
19.Take a shit
20.Go #2
21.Squeeze a load
22.Unload a passenger
23.Drop the bomb
24.Go poo
25.Make
26.Mix up a batch
27.Lose a pound
28.Pass a brick
29.Return it to the cycle
30.Chop a log
31.Recycle
32.Abandon ship
33.Tickle a turd
34.Take a cake out of the oven
35.Put the check in the mail
36.Let nature take its course
37.Release the dam
38.Make my mark on the world
39.Make a splash
40.Ride the dragon
41.Fire up the BBQ
42.Bring in the tide
43.Keep the homefires burning
44.Feed the fire
45.Chuck wood
46.Send out the troops
47.Drop the kids off at the pool
48.Polish the porcelain
49.Shave a peach
50.Turn back the clock
51.Bring in the new year
52.Float a biscuit
53.Make Gravy
54.Lose my religion
55.Push the bus
56.Play the pipes
57.Place a bet
58.Let the good times roll
59.Paint the town brown
60.21 Gun Salute
61.Deliver the Christmas bonus
62.Fire the cannon
63.Tell a tale
64.Park the car
65.Big bang theory
66.Corrale the tadpoles
67.Come on ice cream!
68.Fertilize the garden
69.Leave the pack behind
70.Sink the Bizmark
71.Play a song
72.Rock the boat
73.SOUP'S ON!!
74.Toss a stone
75.Pick some dasies
76.Christen the ship
77."Throw your weight around"
78.Send the brown boat on its maiden voyage
79.Turn the crank
80.Unleash the brown shark
81.Go to town
82.Bury the dead
83.Take out the garbage
84.Kick the donkey
85.Plead the 5th
86.Beat the clock
87.Break the bank
88.Run for the border
89.Defrag the hard drive
90.Talk to God
91.Clean the pipes
92.Go and tell it on the mountain
93.Offer the porcelain god gifts of inner humbleness
94.Blow dirt
95.Ass vomit
96.Send a friend to the coast
97.Solid fart
98.Download
99.Run through the woods
100.Take some books back to the library
101.Barbecue some burgers
102.Shovel the brown snow
103.Clear the cache
104.Can't Touch This
105.Format the disk
106.Plow the soil
107.The night the moon shone brown
108.Reap the harvest
109.Put the icing on the cake
110.Intestinal yoga
111.Give a little love back to God
112.Make a peanut butter sandwich
113.Grow a tail
114.Transfer some files
115.Send a message in a bottle to Atlantis
116.Drop everything I'm doing right now
117.Push the limit
118.See a man about a brown bear
119.Take off my brown belt
120.Take one for the team
121.Do my part
122.Go watch the news
123.Solve an equation
124.Pull a rabbit out of my hat
125.Crack the whip
126.Pool some stool
 

Odorants for tough guys

1. Hot Lunch - While receiving head from a woman, you proceed to shit on her chest. (A.k.a. the Cleveland Steamer)
2. The Stranger - Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep and then jerking off, eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else.
3. Western Grip- When jerking off, turn your hand around, so that your thumb is facing towards you. It is the same grip that rodeo folks use. Hence, western.
4. The Blumpkin- You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter.
5. Donkey Punch - Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, sticking your dick in her ass, and then punching her in the back of the head. This gives a tremendous sensation, but for it to work correctly, the girl must be knocked out so that her asshole tightens up.
6. Golden Shower - Any form of pissing all over a chick (a.k.a.- watersports)
7. Pearl Necklace - Well known. Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a girl - it takes on the look of beautiful jewelry.
8. Coyote - This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty wombat and you know you've got to give her the slip. However, you realize that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore you must gnaw off your own arm to get out of the situation. Can be very painful.
9. Purple Mushroom - This occurs when a woman is giving you oral sex and you withdraw your penis in order to poke it back into her cheek. It should leave a lasting impression similar to purple mushroom.
10. The Flying Camel - A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees, you carefully balance yourself without using your arms to prop yourself up. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long, shrieking howl, much like a coyote. Strictly a class move.
11. Fishhook - A variation of the shocker in which you pull back towards the pussy after you stick your finger up her asspipe.
12. The Ram - Again, you're attacking from behind, when you start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy for those lulls in penile sensitivity.
13. Bismarck - This is another one involving oral sex. Right before you are about to cum, you pull out, shooting your load all over her face. Follow that with a punch in the nose and smear the blood and cum together.
14. Jelly Dougnut - A derivation of the Bismark. All you have to do is punch her in the nose while you are getting head.
15. The Woody Woodpecker - When a girl is sucking on your balls, tap the head of your cock on her forehead.
16. Dog in a Bathtub - This is a proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.
17. Tossing Salad - Another prison act where one person is forced to basically chow asshole with the help of whatever condiments are available, i.e. Jell-O, olive oil, etc. I'm never going to prison.
18. Rim Job - Another name for tossing salad. Focuses on the use of the tongue.
19. The Bucking Bronco - An all time classic. You start by going doggy style on a girl and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab onto her tits or hips as tightly as possible and call her a big, fat, no-good, worthless slob. More than likely, she will try to escape. This will give you the feeling of riding a bronco as she tries to buck you off.
20. Pink glove - This frequently happens during sex when a girl is not wet enough.
When you pull out to give her money, the inside of her twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.
21. The Fountain of You - While sitting on her face and having her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before releasing, spewing like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck and tits. (Better in her bed).
22. New York Style Taco - Anytime when you are so drunk that when you go down, you barf on her box. Happy trails. 23. The Dirty Sanchez - A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggie style, you insert your finger into said woman's asshole, pull it out, wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin, shit moustache. This makes her look like someone whose name would be Dirty Sanchez.
24. The Fish Eye - >From behind, you shove your finger in her ass (or his if you are in prison). Thereupon she turns around in a one-eyed winking motion to see what the hell you are doing.
25. Tuna Melt - You're down on a chick lapping away and discover that it just happens to be the time of the month. By no means do you stop though. When the whale spews, tartar sauce with a hint of raspberry smothers your face.
26. Fur Ball - You're chomping away at some mighty trollop who has a mane between her legs the size of Lionel Richie's Afro, when a mammoth fur ball gets lodged in your throat and causes you to beat the piss out of her.
27. The Chicago Chili Dog™ - You take a shit on a girl's tits and then proceed to tit fuck her.
28. Gaylord Perry - Going to only one knuckle during an anal probe is for wimps. Make this famous knuckle ball pitcher proud and use multiple knuckles on that virgin corn hole. A minimum of two knuckles required (either on one finger or on multiple).
29. Rear Admiral - An absolute blast. When getting a chick from behind (while both partners standing), make sure you don't let her grab on to anything when she is bent over. Then, drive your hips into her backside so that you end up pushing her forward. The goal is to push her into a wall or table. It's almost as much fun to have her trip on her face on the floor. You become an Admiral when you can push her around the room without crashing into anything and not using your hands to grab onto her hips.
30. Glass Bottom Boat - Putting saran wrap over your partners face and proceeding to lay a hot shit there.
31. Ray-Bans - Put your testicles over her eye sockets while getting head.(Picture it: ass on forehead) It may be anatomically impossible, but it is definitely worth a try.
32. Snowmobile - Always a blast. When getting a girl while she's on all fours, sweep out her arms so she falls on her face.
33. Dutch Oven - Rather simple. Whenever you rip a fucking greasy fart while in the sack, pull the covers over both of your heads, so she can enjoy your pork and beans as well.
 

The 101 rules of Blackmetal

1. Don't be gay.
2. Be "true".
3. All people who aren't "true" are gay.
4. Be grim.
5. Be necro.
6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. .Listen to Peccatum.
12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out
that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you
mean "burn".
14. Don't be Dani Filth.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G
slams, man."
16. Don't be Dani Filth.
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that
you're too metal to remove refuse.
18. Run for it!
19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its
release... so it becomes 'cult'.
22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..
26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only
interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true"
blackmetallers.
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less
than 15 adjectives in the title.
29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.
30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don't make jokes.
34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it
doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album
are "session" members.
38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are
imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have
0your "cult" LP won't get it.
39. Never play live.
40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the
other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being
both "necro" and "grim".)
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM
is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure
that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea
what black metal is.
43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died
because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to
produce commercial success.
45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less
wouldn't be "true".
46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band
also have side projects.
47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects
as "session" musicians.
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same
producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three
colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the
word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the
wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in
particular.
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still
sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
53. Never say "friggin".
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever
greeting someone "true".
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal
Hails".
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one
inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the
terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of
attrition".
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder
paper in the middle of math class.
60. Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you
really don't enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine
Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be
ready to suck the Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.
64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy @#%$" whenever
possible.
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate
Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage
of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only,
instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the @#%$ day, and
instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen
to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is
not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her
face like a shotgun when she turns around).
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the
Internet. Single acceptable smily: -(
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to
it! Amatuers...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and
therefore 'true'.
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any
pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hyms are influenced by the
mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait
a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That's better, on with the interview!
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested
tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See
also "clouded frost spire")
81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in
touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those
two facts make sense in conjunction.
82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
84. Don't make references.
85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists
of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of
this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions,
Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may
also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of
black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you
about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken
word part or something.
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend,
and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of,
but also haven't even heard.
96. Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" whenever possible.
97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$" during random segments
of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom
Sathanas.)
98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and
therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only
a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages:
Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)
99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll?
Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier!
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've
have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For
shaaaaame!!
 

/Mocne ssanie fiuta dla Inferno za powyzszy donos/